The 1880

Emm Tee, Eh?

Uhhh... Wha?

Have you ever had trouble with the T? You know, shuttles on the Blue line, slow trains on the Green line, delays due to icy tracks, etc? When you first arrived here, did you ever get on the wrong outbound Green line train accidentally? Well, next time something bad happens, just thank your lucky stars you’re not in New York.

I, like many others, had previously been under the impression that the New York subway was glorious, efficient, and convenient. I was proven hopelessly wrong on one fateful evening.

My girlfriend, Grace, and I were on our way back to Boston from DC after break. We elected to take Chinatown buses to cut down on expenses. After taking a bus from DC to NYC, we found (much to our dismay) that the last bus to Boston had already left. We were, officially, stranded in New York City with about 800 pounds of bags. After walking to a Popeye’s that was open late, at about 12:00 am, we decided to call my friend Marissa. She was the only person we knew in town, and she very graciously let us come over to wait out the 8:00 am bus. (Thanks again, Marissa!) There was only one small problem: we were on Canal Street, in Chinatown; Marissa lives in Astoria, way at the end of the N/W lines. No big deal, right? Just hop on the subway at Canal street, get an N or W train, and ride it to the end. Piece of cake, eh?

Well, as we would soon find out, not really. See, the New York Subway system is bogglingly large. Unlike most subways, it is organized by letter, number, color, AND shape. If that wasn’t enough, All of those things change depending on the time of day and day of the week. Also, the names of stops are not distinct - for example, there are THREE Canal Street stops, all in close vicinity to each other. (Yes, there are “St. Paul’s St” stops on both the B and C lines, but it’s understood that on those lines the stops are named after cross-streets of Commonweath and Beacon, respectively.)

Upon entering the station, we discovered the turnstiles are almost impossible to enter with bags. They look like something from a high-security prison. I know they used to have problems with turnstile jumping in the past, but COME ON. I was almost trapped in one when my bag wouldn’t fit through. Thankfully, a nice man came to help us. Jeesh.

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Music Shop

Rapid City.

I must preface this piece by reminding the reader that I am from Rapid City, SD. It’s about the size of a suburb around here, but without the actual city in proximity. It’s not a bad place to live by any means, but the culture and interaction is…different to say the least. Unfortunately, there is a lot of typical, Chevy-driving, Keystone Light-chugging, lets-go-kill-some-shit-while-blasting-Toby-Keith culture and a lot of assholes from the nearby Air Force base. And this is a very commercialized, very corporate, very Top-40 kind of entertainment store. In a mall.

Four thirty-eight. One hour and twenty-two minutes to go. Nah, the last five minutes never count. One hour, seventeen minutes.

Deep breath. Some asshole is on his way up to the counter. That’s a really killer visor he’s wearing. His swagger is somewhere between a rapper and a Musical Theatre stroke victim. Wait for it…

“Find everything all right?” (Like I give a shit if you found the most artistically devoid piece of garbage that some TV personality told you was good this week)

“Great.” (Disgusting) “Are you a customer rewards member? No? It’s a great way to save money and get cool stuff. You really should be.” (No, you absolutely shouldn’t, you’ll just show up more) “Want to join?” (I’d really love to suck nine more dollars out of your pocket so you can replace it with a piece of worthless plastic that will never earn its keep. I’ll sweet talk you though. I get better numbers, and hey, if I’m already a corporate lackey, I might as well be a shameless one.)

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The (Best) Worst of the World

I like the world, generally speaking. It fascinates me in many, many ways–especially the strange ideas we’ve come up with, like self-help books, hallucinogens, and Political Theory. (I’d recommend involving all three at once, at least once.) We come up with some pretty bizarre things as human beings, and beyond that, we do some pretty bizarre things. Thanks to my Reuters Odd News addiction, I’d like to share a few of those gems with you.

1. An anti-smoking extremist in Berlin recently doused his girlfriend and their apartment with the entirety of a fire extinguisher when she ignored his request to not light up. As soon as she lit her cigarette, he opened up and covered everything in sight, resulting in thousands of dollars of damage. He told reporters that he didn’t mind the damage, and that he was pretty sure his girlfriend wouldn’t light up again.
I’m pretty sure she’s not going to be his girlfriend much longer. I mean, as romantic as his concern might be, I wouldn’t appreciate a good soaking in chemical mist. I wanted those chemicals in my lungs, goddamn it.

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The New England Patriots Have Propelled Me Into a Nosedive of Depression

No one's perfect, Tom! Kill me.

There are certain things that I regard as “holy” in life. The Vagina, for instance. Jesus. The microwave. Breasts. Grain Alcohol—I could go on. But one thing that I could pray to every night was the New England Patriots football franchise, and I blew 18 weeks-worth of my life (and hundreds of thousands of dollars) betting that God wouldn’t bring down the hammer on Belichick, Brady and myself—but it seems Eli Manning serves a dark and a vengeful God. To top it off, I was COMPLETELY and CRUELLY SOBER when it happened—the lone loss that sent me careening into the depths of a personal hell darker than any hell I’ve experienced, and I’ve seen Dark Hells: the day after the Yankees toppled Boston in the 2003 ALCS comes to mind, naturally; as does the night my mom caught me masturbating. But as I and my companion walked aimlessly around Fenway, which just a few short months ago rang loudly with riotous and alcohol-aided joy, we found it now host to tearful and confused zombies and a handful of the worst Giants fans I have ever seen (one that was beating his chest was wearing an oversized leather jacket and had a soul patch). It was Sunday night, and all of the liquor stores were closed. God truly hates me.

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Today in History

On Feb. 21, 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.
- Black History Month or not, this is damn important to remember.

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Today in History

1895 - Frederick Douglass, abolitionist, author, and orator, died.
- One of the greatest writers and speakers and all around amazing human beings during the abolitionist movement.

2003 - A fire in the nightclub The Station in Warwick, R.I., killed 100 and injured over 150. Pyrotechnics used by the heavy metal band Great White ignited the inferno.
- I just think this should be remembered. We were all old enough to remember watching rescuer’s attempts during this tragedy. Keep those who died in your thoughts today.

1924 - Gloria Vanderbilt (fashion designer; subject of famous Vanderbilt child-custody case)

Wisdom from the Birthday Girl
“That is the best - to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.”

1925 - Robert Altman (director: M*A*S*H, Nashville, Brewster McCloud; died Nov 20, 2006)

Wisdom from the Birthday Boy:
“Filmmaking is a chance to live many lifetimes.”

This Day in History

On Feb. 19, 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.
- This is important because it precipitated the making of two Clint Eastwood films.

In 1986, the U.S. Senate approved an international treaty outlawing genocide, 37 years after the pact had first been submitted for ratification.
- I guess that answers the question: “How many years does it take for the U.S. congress to decide killing = bad?”

In Salt Lake City, a win by bobsledders Jill Bakken and Vonetta Flowers gave the United States 21 medals in the Winter Games; Flowers became the first black athlete ever to strike gold at the Winter Olympics.
- This is just neat. They have cool names and even cooler legacies.

Birthdays!:

*Pop singer-actress Haylie Duff is 22. Happy Birthday, second-rate sista!

Words of wisdom from the birthday girl:
“Our parents used to call us Juicy and Yummy. Hilary was Juicy, I was Yummy. As we got older, Hilary became Clean Cat and I became Dirty Dog because Hilary is neat and I am messy.”

*Singer Seal is 44. I hope you “fly like an eagle” (and maybe get a “kiss from a rose”, a.k.a. Heidi) this birthday!

Words of Wisdom from the birthday boy:
You don’t get a second chance to be a dad. There’s no rehearsal. And it’s your most important gig.