The 1880

Fun Fact: Wolly Mammoths = Dating Technique

Things I did not know until I witnessed the glory that was the cinematic marvel “10,000 B.C.”

1. Blue eyes make you special. Very, very special. Why haven’t I recieved this goddess-like status yet?

2. Ten millenia ago, in a northern African area, people of one tribe could come from a variety of ethnic backgrounds. I guess they had their own little Ellis Island around there, because I’m sure that there were at least eight different heritages visiable from facial feature alone in this one tribe.

3. Love conquers all, or more specifically, love conquers wolly mammoths. (Because back then, you couldn’t get the girl until you stabbed the hairy beast in the heart. Romance at its finest, ladies.)

4. Speaking of wolly mammoths, did you know they built the pyramids? Fun fact. Not only are the pyramids a few thousands years older than all that silly, inaccurate carbon-dating says, but those slaves got a little help from the furry elephants hauling the giants bricks. Laziness, I say.

5. If you save a saber-tooth tigers life, it will communicate with you telepathically. Seriously.

6. “The Almighty” is German. A crusty, pale, old, withered German. In Africa.

7. There was some sort of ten-foot-tall ostrich-pterodactyl-velociraptor creature alive in 10,000 B.C., and it got screeching mad when it couldn’t eat the crunchy little humans.

8. They had domesticated horses? What?!?!

9. They had corn too? Pretty sure that one is strictly American continental cuisine. I’m positive.

10. Too much of a spiritual connection with someone causes nosebleeds. Kind of like cocaine.

All in all, I’ve realized that no one, absolutely no one, involved in the making of this movie has ever picked up a 6th grade social studies book. “Artistic license” took on an entirely new level. If this was 10,000 B.C., it put the golden age of the Egyptian Empire at around 25,000 B.C., because they trumped them in more than a few ways. Archeology, schmarcheology–it was a good excuse to put a saber-tooth tiger and ostrich-raptors into a movie. God bless. I’d recommend a very un-sober viewing though, or you might not make it.