The 1880

The blood drenched action film 300 has been out for about a month now, and dozens of untalented Emerson film students are still debating the deeper meaning. The tale of 300 Greek Spartans defending their homeland against people much darker then them, has stirred quite the controversy. Some interpret it as a gruesome meaningless work surviving off fancy computer graphics and a body count that would make Tarantino sick. Others interpret it as fucking incredible. I however, have drawn my own righter conclusion. When I first saw the brave Spartans sacrificing their lives to guard Rome Greece, I could not help but think of–Emerson College Securitas.

Securitas are guards that work for a private security company. Places such as banks, universities, and pornography factories hire Securitas officers to guard and/or sleep in their buildings. Emerson employs dozens of Securitas, so that Campus Police will have someone to blame if a murderer ever gets in the dorms. While some may mock them, it is unwise to underestimate the Securitas. It has been said “To walk with Securitas is to walk with the gods themselves,” They are large intimidating, proud Nubian warriors who smell of olives and honey. They know not fear, they laugh in the face of death, and they are the only ones keeping Emerson College from going to hell.

Picture this scenario. One night you peacefully slumber in your 40,000-dollar dorm room. Just then a large crash and muffled screams pull you away from that dream about John Stamos. You sit up and open your eyes only to view the half devoured corpse of your roommate. It is a sickening sight to behold. The skin has been torn from the face, intestines spill out of the stomach on to the stained carpet floor, and sewer rats have already begun to pick at whatever little meat remains. Your tremble with terror knowing the one creature capable of committing such atrocities–hobos! The homeless of Boston wander the night endlessly. They scream and howl, yearning for the flesh of WLP majors. Neither reason nor spare change can quell their cannibalistic blood lusts! You try to flee the building but it is useless. Every floor, every room, every liquor cabinet is filled with these ravenous wolves. The hunger spares no one (except theatre majors who are too lanky and dry to provide adequate meals) at all. Soon you are trapped between a locked door and an ever growing army of bums. You quickly realize how a well-trained Securitas force could have stopped this, as your flesh is torn from bone.

Although Emerson College was founded decades after The Greek Empire, many similarities can still be drawn between Spartan warriors and Securitas Officers. In fact, my friend wikipedia told me the word “Securitas” is actually greekinese for fighting spirit. One similarity is the harsh, life long physical training. Spartans would inspect all newborn babies for weakness, disease, or deformities. Any infant that did not meet standards was either left to die at Mount Teygetos or fashioned into a festive hat. So many children were left to die that the mountain soon became known as The Place Of Rejection. Others simply called it “that hill with a pile of dead rotting babies next to it.” Securitas Officers are also inspected at birth. In order to get the job, a prospective officer’s parents must send in a resume anywhere in between the third trimester to a month after birth. A certified Securitas baby tester then does a physical inspection. If the child passes the test they are rewarded a badge and a pair of Timberlands. If the infant fails, however, they are crushed to death with said pair of Timberlands. The shoes aren’t cheap, so either way they get used.

Training for both Spartans and Securitas begin at the tender age of seven. Young Spartans were trained in everything from hunting to dancing to an awkward mix called huntancing. Eventually they were sent out on a Krypteia, a rite of passage of sorts. The young Spartans would be left out into the wilderness with no food or supplies and would need to survive on their skills alone. Securitas have a similar tradition. The seven-year-olds are abandoned at the end of the Orange MBTA line and are forced to navigate all the way back to North Station. The Orange Line is an infamous safe haven for murderers, rapists, and psychopaths. Many a young, hopeful Securitas guard has met their doom here. The floors of the Roxbury Crossing and Jamaica Plains T-stops are literally lined with the bones of children. Any youngster who manages to safely reach North Station is awarded the honored rank of Securitas Officer and given a 20% discount off Charlie Cards.

Spartans and Securitas both utilize brilliant fighting tactics. Spartans utilized the formidable Phalanx Formation. The phalanx was a rectangular mass military formation consisting of men with spears and 12-pack abs. The formations were always ten men wide and ten men deep, unless someone overslept and then they were 10 men wide and 9 men deep. The phalanx formation was used to hold a position with an impenetrable line of spears. It was extremely deadly and proved to be effective against maniacs running towards their deaths while screaming in Arabic — the other popular battle strategy of the time. Securitas have their own brilliant combat tactics. The officers often rely on diversions and a false sense of safety to catch enemies with their guard down. Walk into an Emerson dormitory on any given night and take a good look at the Securitas. Often times you’ll find them listening to CDs, watching portable DVD players, or talking to pretty Emerson co-eds. It would be natural to think that Securitas guards are unqualified and incompetent — but that’s what they WANT you to think! These child-like endeavors are used to lure you into a tangled spider web of death! Just try sneaking some alcohol into the dorms and see what happens. The CDs are thrown like ninja stars, the portable DVD player sprays fire, and that pretty white girl is actually just a very attractive and well-designed bomb. Another Securitas technique is the fake-sleep-formation. At essentially any time of the day or night, you can find a Securitas Officer ’sleeping.” Do not be fooled, however, for Securitas do not sleep — they wait. They merely close their eyes and meditate on the next great battle. Sophomore audio major Harrison Selles experienced this firsthand: “I had left my Student ID on my bed and had no way to get back in the dorms,” said Selles. “I noticed that the old Securitas guy was sleeping, and I figured I could sneak past him. I took one footstep and the little dude flips over the desk and stabs me in the liver with a doru spear. There was blood everywhere — it was very humiliating.”

Perhaps the greatest similarity between Spartan and Securitas is each group’s greatest moment. The instances where both clans proved their valor also share some uncanny coincidences. The Spartan’s proudest hour was The Battle of Thermopylae, a fight where a mere 300 Spartans held off 1,000,000 Persians swordsmen, 20,000 Arabian slaves, 80,000 Calvary (and one really fat monster with swords for hands) for some reason. The invading forces were funneled through a small rocky pass and slaughtered by the phalanx formation. The brave Spartans managed to hold off the invaders for several days before a traitor sold them out. The 300 served as an inspiration to the other pussier Greeks who were too afraid to fight. Frank Miller (a young Greek boy/Spartan love-slave) was the only survivor of the battle. He went on to write many stories and poems telling of the Spartan’s bravery, and Miller’s words have recently been made into the two hit films 300 and Failure To Launch.

The Securitas Officers faced opposition and death in The Battle Of Boylstonia. On September 29^th, 2006, the ever-growing forces of The Gypsy Bar invaded Emerson College. For those of you not “in the know”, The Gypsy Bar is Boston’s hottest hangout spot for douche bags. Almost any night of the week you can find the place filled with the loudest drunk skanks and greasiest arrogant sketchballs on the planet. Every week the crowds grow louder and larger. The line to the Gypsy Bar often heads out the door and wraps around several city blocks. Eventually, the line grew so long and douchey that it entered the main lobby of the Piano Row Dorms. This is something the Securitas Forces would NOT stand for.

Greg Wilson, better known as King Securitidas, gave an inspirational speech to the 30 officers on duty: “Tonight, we face unimaginable odds. We stand before an endless army of popped collars and aviator sunglasses,” roared Wilson. “Ready your spears and portable DVD players! I hope you’re hungry boys, for tonight we dine in THE MAX MUTCHNICK CENTER!” The initial attack waves of Gypsy patrons were easily slaughtered. Much of this had to do with the under-funded, rushed construction of Piano Row. The tiny cramped corridors and blind sharp corners provided the perfect terrain for Securitas warfare. Four foot walls were also constructed using the Gypsy corpses. The expensive silk Gucci shirts and massive amounts of hair gel served as a wonderful makeshift glue. No matter how many assholes the Gypsy Bar sent, none could break the Securitas strength. “I just expected to have a regular night out on the town with the boys,” said the corpse of a Gypsy Bar customer. “Just when I was about to get in line, these mad men jumped out. They stabbed me to death with their swords and spears. Now I’m dead and I can’t go clubbing anymore. It was very inconvenient.”

Sadly, the Securitas defense would only hold for three nightshifts. A hidden traitor eventually sold out these brave men and women. Well-known coward and failure Kevin Bright was reported to have betrayed the Securitas. Bright, a mediocre television producer/human being, created the NBC train-wreck Joey. The embarrassment and grief caused him to go into exile as an Emerson professor. Bitter old Kevin Bright always hated Securitas for being more popular and famous than him: a betrayal was inevitable. Bright revealed a secret entrance into P-Row (through Barnes and Noble) in exchange for the rights to make an unfunny three-camera-sitcom about The Gypsy Bar. Though they were surrounded, the Securitas fought to the last man. Eventually, they were all killed and The Gypsy Bar line now officially starts within 150 Boylston. Kevin Bright’s sitcom 2 and ½ Gypsies was cancelled after three weeks. Everyone still hates him.

So the next time you steal dining hall silverware or sleep in the library, remember– remember brave Securitidas and his men. Remember the heroes who gave their lives to protect us from hobos, drug addicts, and Kevin Bright. They are the guardians, the sentinels, the watchmen of this proud Emerson College. They are– The Securitas!